Hobbit Humor
by Steve Dufour
Summary: Three stories and two poems based on JRR Tolkien's Hobbit and Lord of the Rings.


The Time Has Come

The time has come (the Balrog said)  
To talk of many things,  
Of Elves and Dwarves and Mortal Men,  
But not, "Do I have wings?" 

Of Isildur in his pride,  
The Dark Lord in his pain.  
The little Hobbits in their sloth,  
'Til the Ring was found again. 

The Dragons' greed, Wormtongue's  
Lust, and Shelob's gluttony.  
The pits of Mordor deep and dark,  
Those crying to be free. 

A Wizard's envy brought him down  
And made him slave to sin.  
And anger's found all around,  
In every wayside inn. 

Arwen: Super Hero

I understand that Mr. Jackson is planning to expand Arwen's role. Well, here's my idea. 

Arwen dances the Springle-ring with Aragorn at her one-eleventy-first birthday party. After the dance they sit on the grass to rest. Arwen finds a gold ring on the ground. She slips it on her finger and disappears, causing great excitment and upset to all the guests. 

She reappears the next day in her father's council chamber. She shows Elrond the ring. He examines it closely and explains that it is indeed Sauron's lost One Ring and that she must go alone to Mordor to destroy it by casting it into the fires of Mt. Doom. 

She sets out on her journey. After passing through Moria and killing the Balrog, she visits Galadriel. She offers the Ring to Galadriel but she refuses it. Arwen is so moved by Galadriel's beauty and goodness that she asks her for a lock of her hair, which she keeps with her always. 

Arwen continues on. She is tempted to keep the Ring for herself. She resists the temptation but in her moment of weakness and confusion she is waylaid and captured by a band of orcs working for the evil wizard Saruman. 

She is rescued by Eomer and the men of Rohan. She exposes Wormtongue's treason and convinces Theoden to lead his people against both Saruman and Sauron. Theoden gives her his prize horse Shadowfax. 

She then slips away and visits the Ents. She inspires them to attack Saruman. After the battle she breaks Saruman's staff and has the Ents hold him captive in his tower. She then rides away down the mysterious Paths of the Dead. 

We next see her at the head of a fleet of ships bringing an army to save Gondor from the forces of Mordor, under a banner she made herself. In the battle that follows she kills the Nazgul Lord in single combat. 

She then continues on to Mordor. On the way she kills Shelob and incites a big fight between the different factions of orcs. 

She reaches Mt. Doom. She has the Ring in her hand and is about to cast it into the fire when it slips on her finger and tightens, making it impossible to remove. She bites off her own finger and casts it and the Ring into the fire, ending Sauron's power. 

She then calls on her friends the Eagles who carry her back to Gondor where she is acclaimed by all. 

Soon after she marries Aragorn, who is now King of Gondor. 

A couple of years later she rides with Elrond and Galadriel and says good-bye to them as they depart from Middle-earth. She returns to Aragorn and their baby. 

"Well," she says, "I'm back." 

Tolkien's Tale Told to Tickle

1. An Ancient Adventure Bilbo Baggins's birthday brings blessings and burdens. 

Conjurer calls. Chilling counsel. 

Dangerous departure. 

Elrond educates, enlightens, encourages. 

Frodo, four, and four form Fellowship for far faring. 

Gandalf goes grievously, gloriously. Gimli grim. Galdrial gives… 

Help in hidden haven. Hobbits happy. 

Illusions injure illustrious individual. Ignoble ill. 

2. Journeys to Jeopardy 

King known. Knights kow-tow. 

Legolas longs, loves, learns. 

Men march to mighty mountains. 

Nobody! Nowhere! Never! None! 

Orcs organize overland operation. 

Pippin and pal provoke peaceful plant people to powerfully punish proud plutocrat. 

3. Quests and Quandaries 

Ridiculed ride results in regal regatta. 

Swordplay! Shieldmaiden and short sidekick stab sinister spirit, slaying same. Samwise slices stinging spider Shelob. 

Two take terrible trip through tortured terrain… 

Under umbrella of uttermost ugliness. 

Valiant victors vote to veer to vie to vex vile villains' venomous visages. 

We wonder. Who will win? Wouldn't want to wager. 

Exceedingly extreme expedition experiences excellent execution, exciting exit. 

Yet yearly yearnings… 

Zzzzz 

Rosie's Story 

Here's how to make a two hour movie from The Lord of the Rings. 

The Cotton family is invited to the eleventy-first birthday of Bilbo Baggins, one of the wealthiest and most notable Hobbits in all of the Shire. At the party young Rosie Cotton dances the Springle-Ring with her friend Sam Gamgee. Bilbo's party is also special because of the appearance of Gandalf, the famous wizard. Hamfast Gamgee, Sam's father, pays a call on the Cottons. The conversation turns to the subject of young Sam. 

"'Elves and dragons', I says to him," says Mr. Gamgee, " 'Cabbages and potatoes are better for the likes of you and me.' " 

Soon after this Sam tells Rosie that he is going on an adventure with Frodo and two of Frodo's friends, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. 

Over a year passes. Bad things happen in the Shire. A mysterious tyrant known as "Sharkey" gains power over the Hobbits. Some he tricks and some he intimidates. He even brings in Big People to act as thugs. 

Rosie's father Farmer Cotton is one of the few who tries to resist Sharkey but there is little he can do. 

Frodo, Sam, Meriadoc, and Peregrine return. They lead an uprising of the Hobbits against Sharkey. Both Sam and Farmer Cotton are notable for their heroism in the fight. Sharkey is murdered by one of his own Big People. 

The Big People are driven out and peace and happiness return to the Shire. Sam goes to work restoring the farms and gardens. 

Soon after this Sam asks for Rosie's hand in marriage. After the wedding Frodo invites them to live with him in Bag End. 

A couple of years latter Bilbo returns to the Shire along with Gandalf and a family of Elves. Sam travels with them westward until they and Frodo depart on an Elven ship to the Enchanted Realm in the Far West. 

Sam returns to Rosie and their baby. 

"Well, I'm back." He says.

I Laugh At Myself 

"I laugh at myself."  
Said the quick-witted elf,  
"When I look myself in the eye." 

"Freedom, I think,  
Is a very strong drink;  
For all those who drink it die."


End file.
